longing

for two weeks in the philippines I'd wake just after 5am when the four older girls across the hall would wake up and make a racket as they started their chores. sometime between six and seven I'd go downstairs and see sweet lydia in the kitchen working on the meals for the day. she'd smile at me as I'd put my toast in the toaster instead of eating their usual rice for every meal. I'd say hello, smile, and she'd smile back. often she'd even bring me sweet delicious mangoes.

then I'd go check on the toddlers. sometimes they'd need a shower, other times help putting on their shoes for school, other times they'd still be running around naked and we'd have to chase them down. around eight we'd walk them across the field to school. little john carlo would always freak out if he didn't have someone's hand to grasp, and I loved when it was mine.

for lunch and dinner every day, every meal, it was chicken at rice. this was a given. rice, rice, rice. erin and I were always given a ginormous plate of it and never even finished a third of it. but we'd eat at our own separate table behind all the other kids because that's where they placed us. after a few days they'd give us coke at dinner as well, which was a lovely treat.

the kids got home from school at 4 every day. they'd play outside, do their homework or their chores, sometimes we'd color with them or push them on the swing. they just need love. hugs. lots of hugs. they need people to care for them, just like we all do.

after dinner we'd help with the toddlers again with the impossible task of putting them to bed. they'd be all fine and cuddly with you until 8 rolled around and you actually physically put them into their beds. that was always the least fun part. they'd cry and whine and throw fits and run all over the place. eventually we'd just have to leave the room because we were more of a distraction than help.

each day was like this. i knew what was coming and what i'd eat. i knew i could ask to go into town if i needed to or could take a nap when i needed a break. no cell phone or internet. it was delightful.

now, back in the states, how does this way of living transfer over? can life ever be simple here? my heart found some sort of mysterious, deep rest in the philippines that hasn't died yet. but it's wondering how to settle down here in my 'normal life.' I've started a new job and go back to school next week, so the task to maintain this inner rest is daunting. but it's there, whispering to me that it's possible, that it can be. my therapist said today that she felt that I was more home within myself than I have been before, and I actually told her that it's true.

so I'm on break, and...

I'm now on break until May - woah nelly. kind of a big deal. I did it, I finished trimester numero dos, I am free... I survived first year practicum, marriage and family class, and history and therapeutic perspectives. woosh!

there've been many endings for me over the past month or so.. ending with my practicum group, ending with my triad composed of 2 other lovely individuals, ending with my facilitator, etc. and overall, I feel that I actually mostly 'showed up' for these endings, offering myself and my heart in the midst of them instead of running away or freaking out about them. kind of a big deal actually.

but now, I find myself already anxious about this 2.5 week break that I have. what will I do? what should I do? how do I balance fun with things I really need to do with rest with work... eeeek. slow down, Cori, and breathe. rrrrrrreeeeeeeesssssssstttttttttt, even in the midst of chaos. oh how I wish I could learn that quickly and easily.

one thing, however, that I decided yesterday would be 1) restful for me and 2) good for me is to have at least one tangible thing that I do each day to pay attention to and care for myself.

yesterday, I took a super delightful nap after being done with all of my finals. :-)

tonight, I went out to celebrate my classmate and friend Leanna's 30th birthday, and suggested when we were done at the bar that we were at that we go basically next door to matador to get their amazing $5 happy hour nachos. oh, and we did. deeeeeeeeeeeeelish.

tomorrow, I.......