on pain

this afternoon I was working. just washin some dishes. a regular customer came in, she's probably pretty close to my age.

I saw her and asked her how she's doing. she didn't respond. this is very abnormal for her. she teared up. I went over to her and hugged her. hard. she cried on my shoulder.

she was alright for those few seconds of tears. she was holding them back, too, shaking a little bit. but from practically the moment that I let go her defenses came up. she said she was fine until I asked how she was and then thanked me for hugging her. she told me it's her boyfriend, it's being told she has to move out of her place, it's her son. nothing ever works out she said. that's just life. it sucks. she seemed ashamed and started talking about other things, getting the attention off her.

I thought about her fight within to stay with her pain, to not cover it up or feel like she has to stop crying. and I thought of my own. I was just thinking this morning of how much and how hard I fight it. this morning I told myself that I'm okay. that I can be where I'm at, there's no hurry. I can slow down and rest and feel and feel good about doing so. it felt nice. a lot better than the voice that says constantly "get it together. get over it. just push ahead" and just beats myself up all the time. yeah, that voice sucks.

earlier today I walked outside and there was a broken wooden desk out on the porch. I thought that was kinda weird. didn't know why it was there or where it came from. tonight I got home and my roommate shared some really difficult news about his family. so apparently today he went out and smashed his desk. I thought that was awesome and very appropriate.

why do we fight pain so much? how do we quiet the voice that tells us to suck it up and get it together?

oh em gee

I may not have peed my pants skydiving yesterday, but I might have tinkled a little bit watching this movie... hiiiiiiilarious.

so great.

my two favorite things about my new place:

can't stop laughing

another thing I hope to do a lot of this summer is laugh, and this may be the funniest thing i've seen in awhile. omg.

eeeee

as of approximately 12:18am friday morning, I'm officially done with my first year of grad school. wow. there are no words, really. for some reason I think your first year ends up being this huge blur and it feels all big and vague when you try to describe it to people, yet at the same time very deep, specific pockets of change have occurred inside of you. perhaps in the next few months I'll find more words for them, who knows.

but now it is summerrrrrr. what an odd, odd feeling. I'm hoping my summer will be full of rest, recuperating, adventure, growth, and unexpected goodness. mmm, it feels good to have space in my life.

also - i just can't think of summer right now without thinking of this scene, just sayin'......

yesterday I followed Riley's lead and did something I've never done before.

I've thought about it many times and wanted to for awhile. but the timing just hasn't been right.

I finally did it. I jumped into green lake. it was very cold. but luckily it was 75 yesterday so afterward I just went right back to sunbathing. sunburn = success.

and lastly, for your viewing pleasure, a little taste of triangulation for you:

sorry snap - I've got the power

I feel empowered today. still, seven hours after therapy. yes! victory. it's an odd feeling for me. I feel like life has been consuming me, overwhelming me, pressuring me, confusing me, and I've just been trying to get through it. it's pretty crappy to live this way, let's be honest.

but today is different. perhaps I'm in touch with the strength that people keep telling me I have. perhaps I'm not as afraid of having power as I have been before (I've been talking a lot about power these days, can you tell?).

it's frustrating to think that this feeling probably won't last. tomorrow I may wake up and feel back in the fight, back in the underdog position who has to have someone else validate whatever it is I'm experiencing. but such is life. if I'm feeling this way today it means progress has been made. it means that I'm on a good journey and am finding myself.

it feels good in this moment to say that I have power. that I can say or not say whatever it is that I'm thinking. I have power to choose my relationships, even to choose what my role will or won't be in them. that feels good as well.

do you know what else feels good? that I have finished my 11 page paper for old testament on 1 samuel 27. yeeeeeeeeeeees!! 1st year of grad school = almost done. boom. i've got the power.

another sidenote: currently one of my new roommates is dancing to backstreet boys' "larger than life." I am laughing.