eeeee

as of approximately 12:18am friday morning, I'm officially done with my first year of grad school. wow. there are no words, really. for some reason I think your first year ends up being this huge blur and it feels all big and vague when you try to describe it to people, yet at the same time very deep, specific pockets of change have occurred inside of you. perhaps in the next few months I'll find more words for them, who knows.

but now it is summerrrrrr. what an odd, odd feeling. I'm hoping my summer will be full of rest, recuperating, adventure, growth, and unexpected goodness. mmm, it feels good to have space in my life.

also - i just can't think of summer right now without thinking of this scene, just sayin'......

angerrrrr

I don't know what my deal was/is (?), but yesterday at least, I was super angry about everything. first I went to office hour with this girl, thinking I'd just talk to her about one little question I had, but then the anger and the sadness came out. yep, that's where it started. basically I was upset about the church, and how it doesn't seem like what Jesus talked about is preached or valued. anyway, perhaps that blog is for another day.

then I had old testament class for six hours. ayayay. I tried to pay attention, for awhile at least. I even closed my computer a few times to try to listen better. but I was pissed. not sure exactly at what, the class perhaps, or the fact that I couldn't really listen, or that life feels out of my control right now, but I couldn't wait til I left to go to my basketball game.

and I was stiiiiiiiiiiill mad. so this was the perfect outlet for me - running around, getting energy out, playing basketball. yes! so I played... like I was mad. because I was. I thought to myself that I really wanted to foul out. it felt really good to just hack people, not let them shoot easily. I even took a charge at one point which I felt pretty good about. I think I ended with 4 fouls - two short of what I wanted.

we lost the game and we led for most of it. ugh. more anger.

later that night I just was thinking about it, and why/what I'm mad at, and really the only thing that came to me is that I think God is okay with my anger. sounds trite, but seriously though. I don't think I have to try to fix it right now.