on pain

this afternoon I was working. just washin some dishes. a regular customer came in, she's probably pretty close to my age.

I saw her and asked her how she's doing. she didn't respond. this is very abnormal for her. she teared up. I went over to her and hugged her. hard. she cried on my shoulder.

she was alright for those few seconds of tears. she was holding them back, too, shaking a little bit. but from practically the moment that I let go her defenses came up. she said she was fine until I asked how she was and then thanked me for hugging her. she told me it's her boyfriend, it's being told she has to move out of her place, it's her son. nothing ever works out she said. that's just life. it sucks. she seemed ashamed and started talking about other things, getting the attention off her.

I thought about her fight within to stay with her pain, to not cover it up or feel like she has to stop crying. and I thought of my own. I was just thinking this morning of how much and how hard I fight it. this morning I told myself that I'm okay. that I can be where I'm at, there's no hurry. I can slow down and rest and feel and feel good about doing so. it felt nice. a lot better than the voice that says constantly "get it together. get over it. just push ahead" and just beats myself up all the time. yeah, that voice sucks.

earlier today I walked outside and there was a broken wooden desk out on the porch. I thought that was kinda weird. didn't know why it was there or where it came from. tonight I got home and my roommate shared some really difficult news about his family. so apparently today he went out and smashed his desk. I thought that was awesome and very appropriate.

why do we fight pain so much? how do we quiet the voice that tells us to suck it up and get it together?