this song gives me goosebumps.

i don't love you
but i always will

by the river piedra i sat down and wept

Sometimes an uncontrollable feeling of sadness grips us, he said. We recognize that the magic moment of the day has passed and that we’ve done nothing about it. Life begins to conceal its magic and its art.

We have to listen to the child we once were, the child who still exists inside us. That child understands magic moments. We can stifle its cries, but we cannot silence its voice.

The child we once were is still there. Blessed are the children, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

If we are not reborn – if we cannot learn to look at life with the innocence and the enthusiasm of childhood – it makes no sense to go on living.

There are many ways to commit suicide. Those who try to kill the body violate God’s law. Those who try to kill the soul also violate God’s law, even though their crime is less visible to others.

We have to pay attention to what the child in our heart tells us. We should not be embarrassed by this child. We must not allow this child to be scared because the child is alone and almost never heard.

We must allow the child to take the reins of our lives. The child knows that each day is different from every other day.

We have to allow it to feel loved again. We must please this child – even if this means that we act in ways we are not used to, in ways that may seem foolish to others.

Remember that human wisdom is madness in the eyes of God. But if we listen to the child who lives in our soul, our eyes will grow bright. If we do not lose contact with that child, we will not lose contact with life.

- from By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept by Paulo Coelho, page 24.

2 nights ago

on a sailboat, in the san juans.
i laid outside - it was nearing midnight.
i looked up.
left and right, north and south, up and down, east and west.

stars.

they encompassed me, surrounded me, encircled me.
they hugged me safely,
and held me.

today

I let myself wander around the neighborhood. no purpose in mind or goal to attain. exercise, perhaps. if I felt like it.

I walked. then would run, sprint. stop. sit. turn my ipod up louder, then skip 4 or 5 songs to find a better one. walk some more. turn here or there, but I didn't really care where I was going. I couldn't be bothered with such trivial things like a destination.

I crunched leaves violently as I walked. threw a few things. tried to look left and right as I crossed the road. I let my mind wander where it wanted to wander and let my body follow suit. do what it wanted. faster, slower, stop. turn.

tears formed at one point. at almost exactly the same moment when one of my favorite phrases from one of my favorite songs blared in my ears: "there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears and love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears" (after the storm by mumford and sons). I found myself surprised that the two happened at once.

eventually, I made my way back home.